Consulting 101: The Intro

The views expressed in this post do not reflect those of my employer. Unless they match, then they do. Not sure if I really need this but I figured whynatte.

So. I’ve been a consultant for two months exactly. And I’ve learned a lot. A whole lot. This series will help explain some of the life lessons I’ve learned.

How to Fly The Window Seat

The Window Seat is the holy grail of airplane seats – besides the aisle seat. So really it’s the Stanley Cup. I mean it’s cool you won the Stanley Cup but it’s still hockey. The Window Seat holds a lot of power that many travelers do not realize and therefore should read this blog post on how to avoid any costly mistakes in the future. Below are a few tips and tricks to fully exercise your newly found power.

  • The Window
    • The namesake of this section. I’ll make this brief. Leave the window open unless there’s a painful glare and there’s a real fear of blinding your fellow passengers. Sit back in your seat as to not hog the view real estate. Many of us like to see where we might plummet to our deaths instead of it being a surprise, so be kind and grant us our last wish.
  • The Pillow
    • You have a built-in pillow – the wall. We know. You don’t need to curl up against your pillow and act like you’re the King of Sudan. Your row mates are not your oppressed citizens who should be subjected to your gloating. Save that for your friends.
  • The Bathroom Break
    • If you know ahead of time that you have The Window Seat, please use the restroom before boarding the plane. A lady on my flight last night got up twice to use the restroom disrupting the Social Fabric of the row. But if you don’t know ahead of time and you’re pleasantly surprised by the fact that you have the window seat, just hold it. Think of the Social Fabric before displacing two strangers. Or Karma.

Consulting Dictionary

This past two months has taught me a whole new dialect hidden in the depths of the English language. By using the phrases below, you can almost guarantee yourself a spot at any consulting firm. I’m also compiling a list of terms that I think should be in everyday use.

*Warning – strong language below disguised with strategically placed symbols

  • Current Terms
    • Swivel Chair – To utilize two disconnected systems to perform a single task.
      • “Will this be a swivel chair process on day 1?” – Yes, don’t be lazy.
    • Heartburn – To cause internal strife.
      • “Does doing it like this cause you heartburn?” – No, that was my lunch.
    • Futureproof – To allow a system to be adaptable to the future
      • “Will this be futureproof?” – I don’t know. Come find me tomorrow and I’ll check.
    • Clusterf~ck – A big mess.
      • “Day 1 is going to be a clusterf~ck.” – So I’ve heard.
    • Sh!tshow – A big mess
      • “Day 1 is going to be a sh!tshow.” – So I’ve heard.
  • Proposed Terms
    • #RiseUp – General term acceptable in any situation
      • “Time to go. Let’s #RiseUp.” – You too. #RiseUp

The Time Paradox

For the past two months, I’ve been traveling to and from Utah. On Mondays, I catch the 8:15am flight out of Atlanta to Salt Lake City and on Thursdays I catch the 4:50pm flight out of Salt Lake City to Atlanta. Let’s get breakfast Monday morning at gate A at Chick-Fil-A if you’re around. Oh yeah, the Time Paradox is when you travel across multiple time zones at least twice a week and lose track of the time zone you’re currently in. I constantly add and subtract hours to figure out what time I’m really in and by the time I get back to my apartment I can’t break the habit. So, if I’m late by two hours this will be my excuse. “Sorry, thought I was still in Utah.”

And that concludes this brief introduction, you may return to your regularly scheduled programming.

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